This is a public safety guide to highly dangerous office party creatures.
We’re deep in the urban jungle, tracking 10 rare office creatures. Appearing only once a year at the watering hole called the End of Year Office Party, these creatures are dangerous to office conservation efforts.
1. Caroller Toomuchienssis
Alight with the joys of the holiday season, this creature often exhibits wild episodes of merriment madness. Approach with caution: When cornered it will attack with weapons of glitter, party hats and renditions of Christmas carols.
2. Scroogerii Grumpyterus
This species can be identified by its unusual movement pattern. Their gait is particularly noticeable – they drag their feet behind them in a fashion similar to the species Zombie Arrrgbrainsis. Physical characteristics include: Facial features that droop, fur that is ungroomed and eyes that disappear into a wrinkled forehead. Note: This creature has supernatural soul-sucking powers.
3. Flirtoralis Hookupalus
A maligned member of the group, Hookupalus emits a strong odour of Eau de Sleezebag. Should he approach a female, she will only respond to his mating call if intoxicated by the substance known as alcohol. Physical characteristics include: Unusually white teeth, greasy head fur and cheap shiny shoes.
4. Wino Drunkicana
This member of the environment requires only liquid sustenance. Its feeding pattern is characteristic in that it never stops. Attention: Will exhibit strange verbal noises including ‘WHOOOO’ and ‘YOLO.’ Doesn’t need any particular resting place – the floor will do.
5. Socialmediarus Annoyingus
With a rapid and erratic movement pattern, this animal can be identified by its eyes. A physical deformity in this species causes an inability to look upwards. In addition, all members have developed a neurological disorder that causes attraction to smartphone screens. Behaviour includes: Documenting food, photographing décor and hashtagging overheard conversations.
If you’re one of the above, beware of being deliberately injured by mistake on the day of your party. If you’re not, share your (positive and professional) experience on envisionme.co.za.